Just Breathe
by The Showers in April
Summary: "Hey guys, it's me! The biggest disappointment you know! The kid couldn't hack it, she's back, and she's walkin real slow... Welcome home! Just breathe..." Nina reflects on all the choices she's made, and all the things she couldn't do better while home for the summer in America. What her small town and friends in England don't know is that she's home for good.


**Hello everyone! It's me, The Showers in April! It's been a while, hasn't it? Well, I was listening to Breathe from In the Heights (an amazing musical that you** **should all listen to) and the song struck me as such a Nina Martin song (it also helped the character's name was Nina). So basically this is a song fic. I took some liberties with the lyrics to match it much more with Nina Martin and less with Nina Rosario, but I figure it won't be a big deal.**

 **Anyway, enjoy!**

* * *

 _this is my street_

 _i smile at the faces i've known all my life_

 _they regard me with pride_

 _and everyone's sweet_

 _they say, "you're going places!"_

 _so how can i say that while i was away, i had so much to hide?_

In such a small community, everyone knew everyone. Nina took a deep breath as she started down the road on foot, passing by her various neighbors who called out to her kindly, asking about England, about boarding school, about _everything_. None of them knew yet that she wasn't going back. No, she was staying home to protect them all. It was better this way. Besides, Gran needed her home; she was sick again, and Nina needed to be there for her.

Oh, who was she kidding? The thing rooting her back to America was the fear of failure. The fear of not being able to protect them, back at Anubis House. She had full faith in Eddie to do his job well, to put all the other residents before himself; despite the persona he put up, Nina knew he could be selfless. Nina only wished she could be the same. But as much as she tried to convince herself that she was staying in America for their sakes, she knew it was just as much for her as it was for them. If she went back there instead of Eddie, Nina wasn't sure she'd be able to pull the weight. The two years of life or death had drained and worn her out more than she'd care to admit; what good was a Chosen One if she couldn't even be prepared for another hit? At least this way, if trouble reared its ugly head, it would have a fresh face to take on.

No. She couldn't go back. She couldn't risk failure. She would stay behind, and let Eddie take the reigns. But she had to tell them, somehow. A call, maybe? Nina shook her head, side stepping Mrs. Wilburg and her baby carriage, smiling weakly at the woman's greeting. No, a call wouldn't do; she knew if she heard any of their voices, she would break down in tears. A letter? Yes...that could work.

 _hey guys, it's me!_

 _the biggest disappointment you know_

 _the kid couldn't hack it, she's back and she's walkin' real slow_

 _welcome home..._

 _just breathe_

What could she even write? Would it be addressed to the whole house, or just to...someone she try cared for. Would that be too cruel? She stopped abruptly at the crosswalk and made her way to the other side of the street, pushing into the small convenience store on the corner of her street. The bell jingled, and Mr. Gonzalez beamed at her.

"Nina!" he called out merrily. "Enjoying your summer back in the States?"

Nina bit her lip, giving a halfhearted smile to the owner. "Yeah," she lied through her teeth. "Yeah, it's nice to be home for a while." She was never good at lying, not even when her life depended on it. Her Gran had always said she wore her heart on her sleeve...

Mr. Gonzalez's warm grin faltered. "Is everything alright, Nina?" he asked, coming out from behind the counter. "Was it something I said? Are you missing someone back at school?"

She felt a lump in her throat, and simply nodded her head. "Yeah," she whispered. "That's it."

 _as the radio plays old forgotten boleros_

 _i think of the days when this city was mine_

 _the neighborhood waved, and said_

 _"_ _nina, be brave, and you're gonna be fine"_

 _and maybe it's me,_

 _but it all seems like lifetimes ago._

 _so what do I say to these faces that i used to know?_

 _"_ _hey, i'm home?"_

She left the convenience store with a jug of milk in one hand, and two boxes of cereal clutched under the other arm. Just outside the store, a few of the younger neighborhood kids, Juan, Sharliz, and Joe, if she was correct were situated around a junky looking old radio, Joe and Charlie dancing to the distinctly Hispanic music while Juan laughed and clapped for them. The young teen caught her eye and called out to her,

"¡Nina, ven a bailar con nosotros!"

Nina offered up a real giggle and politely shook her head no, holding up the milk jug as her excuse. Juan shrugged called out a "Next time, then!" and went back to watching his friends dance about. The smile left her lips, and Nina kept going. She used to babysit for those kids all the time; now they were all grown up. They used to look up to her...everyone did, even the adults. They used to shower her with praises: she was the smartest, she was the bravest. Even though she'd lost so much, she kept going. Now she was losing even more.

 _they're not worried about me_

 _they are all counting on me to succeed_

 _i am the one who made it out_

 _the one who always made the grade_

 _but maybe I should've just stayed home..._

She thought back to the hopeful faces of her housemates, her clubmates, her _friends_ when she would have a vision or a breakthrough. They looked to her as a leader, someone they could all rely on. Nina had become someone who was indestructible, who would always win no matter what. Sure, they didn't think she was perfect, but Nina knew they were all counting on her to save the day. She couldn't bear to even have a chance to let them down. It was better this way. Better she stayed away and let them all keep thinking she was still the mighty, untouchable Paragon.

She set the jug of milk and the boxes of cereal on the table in her and her gran's shared apartment, and let her fingers ghost over the lump in her shirt where the locket hung. It felt like lifetimes ago Sarah had given her the Eye of Horus necklace.

Oh, God, and _Sarah._

She was the one person she couldn't hide from, even if the old woman was buried across the ocean, Nina felt her presence like she was attached to her by the hip. Sarah was always there, even if she hadn't seen her in a dream for a long time. Nina knew Sarah would be so disappointed, that Sarah was disappointed that Nina couldn't handle it. She could practically hear the old woman's voice: _"Some Chosen One..."_

Nina walked over to the couch and dropped herself onto it, curling up. What a waste _she_ was...

Nina heard the quiet coughing of her Gran in the next room, and she made to get up to help aid her grandmother, but the coughing ceased quickly, and soon enough Nina heard the gentle snoring from the bedroom.

Still, she got up and peeked her head inside the darkened room. Gran's form rose and fell evenly enough that Nina felt a little more at ease. She quietly closed the door, and made her way over to her own room. Nina sat on her bed, looking around at it. It still looked like a little kid's room, but of course it did: she hadn't changed it for almost four years.

She heard chatter outside her window on the street below, and Nina crossed to the glass, peering out. People were stood all around, talking amongst themselves, some in English, some in Spanish, some in a little bit of both. Nina knew all of their faces, and they knew hers. And Nina knew for a fact she was considered high and mighty in this neighborhood. She was one of the first to leave the country, the _city_ , even. She was one of the smartest, and they let her know it, too. The thing was, Nina had her doubts as to whether or not everyone's lives would have been easier if she'd never left at all.

 _when i was a child, i stayed wide awake, climbed to the highest place,_

 _on every fire escape, restless to climb!_

 _i got every scholarship,_

 _saved every dollar…_

 _the first to get out of the city_

 _how do i tell them why_

 _i'm coming back home_

 _with my eyes on the horizon?_

 _just me and the great mystery,_

 _asking 'gee, nina, what'll you be?'_

Nina sighed, opening her window and climbing out onto the fire escape, leaning over the edge as she did. Nina started her way up, all the way to the highest point, and she looked out on the community she'd grown up in. When she'd gotten the scholarship to Amun Boarding School, she'd had no idea what was in store for her. She'd wanted to go so badly, and Gran had saved everything they had to pay for the rest of the tuition.

How was she going to tell them all she was staying here in America? It would break their hearts.

She pulled the locket out from under her shirt, leaning back against the building as she looked over it. A warm summer breeze blew at her hair and made the fire escape creak quietly beneath her, but Nina paid it no mind. The locket seemed to be asking her a million questions, but one stood out the most: _Now that you're giving up on your destiny, what are you going to do with your life?_

 _straighten the spine_

 _smile for the neighbors_

 _everything's fine_

 _everything's cool_

 _the standard reply_

 _"_ _lots of tests, lots of papers"_

 _smile, wave goodbye_

 _and pray to the sky,_

 _oh, god!_

Nina tucked the locket away and climbed down the fire escape to the street below, prepping herself for the onslaught of greetings and kind words. Just as she suspected, not a second before her feet touched the concrete, there was a chorus of "Nina!" from the neighbors, and she put on her very best smile, doing her best to answer every question they threw at her about England and school as ambiguously as possible. She finally wiggled her way out of the questions to go grab her bike from the rack outside her building; Nina had a destination.

 _and what will my parents say?_

 _nina…_

Nina pedaled her bike through the gates of the small cemetery about six blocks over, dropping it by a familiar tree. She took a deep breathe, starting forward toward the plot.

 _can i go in there and say_

 _nina…_

She stood before the slab of rock with the names of her parents engraved on the sleek, but worn, gray headstone, searching for the right words to say to the seemingly empty air.

 _"_ _i know that I'm letting you down..."_

Before the words could leave her mouth, a familiar voice broke through the summer silence.

 _"Nina..."_

She whipped around, surprised to find Sarah standing at the foot of the tree where she'd dropped her bike, looking exactly as she had last seen her alive. Nina watched Sarah place her hand over her heart and nod to her. She _did_ understand. And she was telling her it was going to be alright, no matter what she chose to do.

Nina nodded to her, knowing somewhere in her heart and mind this would be the very last time she saw this incredible woman. Sarah nodded back to her, eyes brimming with a kinship and connection only those descended from Amneris could possibly have, and faded away.

Nina took one more deep breath, placing her fingers on the sun-heated gravestone. She paused, taking out the locket one more time, knowing exactly who she had to give this to, knowing exactly who would rise up to do all she couldn't do. She'd call Eddie when she got home. She'd start on her letter to Fabian and the others soon after.

Nina was ready.

 _"Just breathe..."_


End file.
